Updated: Aug 22, 2021
Like a well-used yo-yo, my thoughts vacillate between yesterday and tomorrow. The weight of the universe seems to sit on the rocking chair of my mind. It won't get off. It never got off. Back and forth, back and forth, it squeaks and rocks. I feel alone.
Thoughts of helplessness creep through the recesses of my mind - a familiar harbinger of what is to come. Like the stormy wind before a rainstorm, I have no place to run. I feel powerless, I can't breath, I can't move. HELP ME PLEASE! My pulse is racing, my heart is pounding. SAVE ME PLEASE!! I'm sweating, I'm trembling, I'm passing out!! HOLD ME PLEASE!!
On the carousel of life's emotions, I used to go. Round and round, up and down. I couldn't get off, I couldn't jump off. I felt like a prisoner condemned to a life of no reprieve. I wore a mask. I knew how to seem happy. I faked it well. I hid anxiety well. But now, here I am, alive, fine, and writing this blog. The feelings of fear and imminent danger that once crippled me have long since disappeared.
It was my habitual crutch to reach back to yesterday to find fulfillment for today. But yesterday's portion was sufficient for a moment long gone. Desperately, I would then reach forward to borrow from tomorrow's promised sunshine. But tomorrow's promises saddled me with an emotional debt I had no means to repay. It was so exhausting and crippling.
Thankfully, after much self-reflection and inventory, it dawned on me that the power to rid myself of this emotionally crippling affliction was tied to the present-this day. So slowly I surrendered and finally accepted that each breath was really all I really had. The life of freedom and healing I so needed and reached for depended on me. I had to choose to embrace it. I had to choose to live it NOW.
I no longer waste time pining over yesterday's hurts and bruises. I accept them all. I feel them all. With total forgiveness of self, I am learning to move on. I accept who I am. I am worthy. I am strong. I have all I need today. I no longer expend energy grasping at the future's prospects. It is a waste of now's precious moments - moments I'll never, ever have again. Each day I choose, with every fiber of my being, to plunge headlong into the realness of the moment. That's where the beauty lies. That's where the power lies - the power to change, the power to create, the power to build, the power to live.