So many things have changed and continue to change since my last post back in October. At that time, I had just been in a car crash resulting in the total loss of my vehicle. But its demise gifted me with another one - much better, much newer, more spacious. While the tangible changes were swift and welcomed, the intangible challenges were grueling and unnerving.
Reckoning with my mortality was anxiety-inducing to say the least. I slowly became unnerved by the realization that time was not always a friendly ally. At the start of that eventful day, my daily plans were made, goals were set. I was on my way to work. But little did I know that I would have ended that day in the ER. For some time afterwards, guilty thoughts of unaccomplished tasks, unrealized dreams, the 'shoulda, woulda, couldas', invaded my quiet moments. Outwardly, I appeared brave, stoic, centered. Inwardly, however, I was a basket of nerves. But what was the trigger for this anxiety? Was it the experience of the accident? Quite possibly. But I confess, my emotions were fed by the unnatural, yet familiar fear, that I was not in control (of my life or of anything). My mind believed it all - hook, line, and sinker. I was quietly unravelling. And I had to do something, and quickly!
On my list was my attitude. I noticed that it was almost second nature for me to resort to old behaviors when confronted with uncomfortable or terrifying situations. That meant that I was over-analyzing my thoughts and feelings, retreating inwards for strength and shutting the light out. This practice was so instinctive yet self-sabotaging. What I had forgotten up till this point was the simple but powerful practice of gratitude. I had (and still do) so much to be grateful for - my life, new opportunities for growth, family, friends, more time. With much effort and intention, my daily gratitude list gradually started to re-focus my mind away from my irrational thoughts to my present blessings and future possibilities. Fear had to go. It was not a welcomed guest. I felt compelled to make a choice. Do I choose to remain paralyzed by feelings of weakness and loss of control? Or, do I choose to fully embrace the beauty of my humanity and LIVE! I chose life.
Choosing is, therefore, a daily task for me. It is hard but rewarding work. And I'd have it no other way. In this aspect, I do have control over my life, and over how I choose to show up for it. While I cannot control what it throws my way, I can control my response and my outlook. Past, negative ways of being occasionally come knocking at my door. But the one who stands on the other side knows exactly what to do. The colorful tapestry of my life only grows more beautiful with each added victory.
So, I move forward with intention, fully embracing the seasons of life in all its shades, hues, and colors. Somehow, it all works for my good.